โโโ ๐ โโโ
Warning
"Listen Morty, *burp* this is just some random IBMer's GitHub profile. Could be anyone. Could be from any dimension. Hell, could be a Jerry for all we know. But they've got Rick and Morty gifs so they can't be ALL bad."
Nobody knows, Morty. NOBODY KNOWS.
Just another face in the corporate machine. Another badge scan at the door. Another person in a Teams meeting with their camera off, probably not wearing pants.
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โ EMPLOYEE PROFILE: SOME-IBMER โ
โ โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโฃ
โ Name: [REDACTED] โ
โ Department: [REDACTED] โ
โ Location: Somewhere on Earth (probably) โ
โ Years at IBM: More than 0, less than infinity โ
โ Sanity Level: Questionable โ
โ Favorite Color: Blue (like the IBM logo, obviously) โ
โ Spirit Animal: Pickle Rick โ
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
*burp* I show up. I drink coffee. I attend meetings. I pretend to understand what's happening in those meetings. I drink more coffee.
Sometimes I write code. Sometimes I delete code. Sometimes I stare at code and wonder why I made the life choices that led me here.
def daily_routine():
while employed:
drink_coffee()
attend_meeting()
pretend_to_understand()
drink_more_coffee()
question_existence()
if random.random() > 0.5:
write_code()
else:
delete_code() # Probably safer
return "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub"technical_skills:
- Googling error messages
- Copy-pasting from Stack Overflow
- Nodding knowingly in meetings
- Saying "that's a good question" to buy time
- Restarting things when they break
- Blaming the network
- Coffee consumption (expert level)
soft_skills:
- Pretending to be busy
- Looking productive on Zoom
- Muting/unmuting at appropriate times
- "Sorry, I was on mute"
- "Can you see my screen?"
- "Let's take this offline"
- Existential dread management
certifications:
- Professional Coffee Drinker
- Advanced Procrastination
- Expert Meeting Attendee
- Master of "I'll look into that"
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โ "You know what's wild, Morty? Corporate life. You show up โ
โ every day, you do the thing, you get the paycheck. And โ
โ for what? WHAT'S IT ALL FOR, MORTY? *burp* Oh right, โ
โ health insurance and a 401k. That's... that's actually โ
โ pretty important. Never mind, this is fine." โ
โ โ
โ - Every IBMer at 3 PM on a Friday โ
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
graph TD
A[Monday: Existential Dread] -->|Coffee| B[Tuesday: Meetings]
B -->|More Coffee| C[Wednesday: Actually Working?]
C -->|Even More Coffee| D[Thursday: Pretending to Work]
D -->|Coffee IV Drip| E[Friday: Counting Down]
E -->|Weekend| F[Forgetting Everything]
F -->|Repeat| A
style A fill:#ff6b6b,stroke:#c92a2a,color:#fff
style B fill:#ffd93d,stroke:#f9ca24,color:#000
style C fill:#6bcf7f,stroke:#27ae60,color:#000
style D fill:#4d96ff,stroke:#2e86de,color:#fff
style E fill:#a29bfe,stroke:#6c5ce7,color:#fff
style F fill:#fd79a8,stroke:#e84393,color:#fff
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โ ๐ฎ CORPORATE ACHIEVEMENT LOG โ
โ โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโฃ
โ โ
Survived onboarding โ
โ โ
Remembered password (eventually) โ
โ โ
Found the bathroom โ
โ โ
Made it through a meeting without falling asleep โ
โ โ
Successfully unmuted on first try (once) โ
โ โ
Didn't rage quit (yet) โ
โ โ
Got paycheck (multiple times!) โ
โ โ
Understood an acronym (one time) โ
โ โ
Contributed to open source (this profile counts) โ
โ โฌ Found meaning in existence (pending) โ
โ โฌ Became a pickle (aspirational) โ
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
Look, I'm just gonna level with you. Working at a big company is *burp* it's weird, Morty. You're surrounded by thousands of people, but you only know like 12 of them. You attend meetings where people use words like "synergy" and "leverage" unironically. You have a badge that opens doors, but also tracks your every movement like some kind of corporate Big Brother.
But you know what? The health insurance is pretty good. And they have free coffee. And sometimes there's cake in the break room.
So... *burp* ...it's fine. Everything's fine.
___________
/ \
/ IS THIS \
/ FINE? \
| |
| ยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ |
| |
\ /
\__________/
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โ COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS โ
โ โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโฃ
โ ๐ GitHub: @some-ibmer (you're here) โ
โ ๐ผ IBM: Somewhere in the org chart โ
โ ๐ง Email: Probably exists โ
โ โ Coffee Machine: Most reliable location โ
โ โ
โ โ ๏ธ WARNING: Response time varies โ
โ โ ๏ธ May respond with memes โ
โ โ ๏ธ Probably in a meeting โ
โ โ ๏ธ Definitely needs coffee โ
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
Note
Things you didn't ask for but are getting anyway:
- ๐ฅ I've never actually turned myself into a pickle
- ๐ธ I don't own a portal gun (yet)
- ๐งช My IQ is probably not infinite
- โ I've consumed enough coffee to power a small city
- ๐ I've sat through more PowerPoint presentations than any human should
- ๐ฏ I once understood a meeting (it was a fluke)
- ๐ I'm pretty sure I'm in the right dimension (70% sure)
- ๐ผ My employee badge photo is from a different timeline where I had hope
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โ โ
โ Look, this is just a GitHub profile. For some IBMer. โ
โ Could be anyone. Could be you. Could be me. Could be โ
โ a very sophisticated bot that gained sentience and โ
โ decided to work in enterprise software for some reason. โ
โ โ
โ The point is: we're all just floating through the โ
โ multiverse of corporate existence, trying to make it โ
โ to Friday. And that's okay. โ
โ โ
โ Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend โ
โ where I'll nod knowingly and say "good point" at least โ
โ three times. โ
โ โ
โ Wubba Lubba Dub Dub. โ
โ โ
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
โก "And that's the waaaaay the news goes!" โก
Made with ๐ธ corporate chaos, โ excessive caffeine, ๐ง declining brain cells,
and ๐ a surprising acceptance of the meaninglessness of it all
ยฉ Some IBMer | Some Department | Some Dimension
This README exists in a quantum superposition of employed and unemployed
Wubba Lubba Dub Dub ๐
